1.03.2008

What's So Great About the Great Unknown?


Lazy Spaniard

Ingredients:
1 oz Bacardi Limon
1 oz Cointreau
1 oz Pineapple Juice
Juice from ½ Lemon
Speared Maraschino Cherry and Pineapple Chunk, for garnish

Directions:
Fill a lowball glass with ice. Pour the Bacardi Limon, Cointreau, pineapple juice, and lemon juice in the glass. Stir. Garnish with a speared maraschino cherry and a pineapple chunk.



Never trust a friend who tells you, “I have the perfect guy for you,” especially when it’s followed by, “He’s a divorced workaholic who squeals when he drives onto the freeway.” That is, unless you’re determined enough to expand your dating pool and get over your lingering ex-boyfriend that you accept a blind date with a thirty-six year old artist from Madrid.

Heading toward the Cuban restaurant for my first blind date, I felt a new sense of empowerment. I was openly putting myself out there by letting a perfect stranger know that I was wildly available and potentially interested. Thirty seconds later, Salima called to remind me that I was at the mercy of her judgment. “I’m actually not sure you’ll like him. But have fun anyway,” she said a bit too late.

Alberto was already waiting outside when I arrived. My eyes narrowed as I tried to figure out if he looked like his Cast & Crew photo. He did. Well, he looked like “that guys” older and less attractive brother with his jet black hair thinning in the crown area. Either way, I had found my date. Following him to an outside patio table, I caught a shimmer of light off of his eyebrow. In fact, the light was so revealing that I saw his eyebrow sweat slide off of his lashes, and onto the menu as we sat down.

“So you’re from Madrid?” I asked focusing on something dry. “It must be hot.”

Alberto simply said, “Yes” and ordered a pressed pulled-pork sandwich and a bottle of wine. I shifted in my seat, and asked another short time-filling question. He simply replied, “Yes.” Ten silent minutes later, the wine arrived to kick up the conversation. Unfortunately, I wasn’t sure in which direction for his lazy eye rolled around the patio, and then landed on my chest.

Quickly devouring my salad, I wondered why there was a question to Salima’s statement. Obviously, three weeks together in Costa Rica left the impression that I liked anyone with a Spanish accent. While it certainly helped, it was by no means a dealmaker. Alberto took a bite of his pig sandwich, and then filled me in on his miserable schedule as a storyboard artist creatively pushing someone else’s vision. And the someone else in this case happened to be his “megalomaniacal” boss.

‘Terrific,” I said changing the subject. “Do you get back to Madrid often?” I asked prying his lazy eye off my chest.

“I haven’t been home in fifteen years,” he said in a bitter accent that stranded my happy thoughts on the island of Ibiza. While I wanted to take control of my dating life, expand my options, and open my mind to letting a relationship grow in a slow and mature fashion, I didn’t want to wind up on a tiny Balearic island in the Mediterranean Sea with an overheating Spaniard. Finishing my drink, I prayed the heavens would open up and cool off this sweaty man.

Thirty rainless minutes later, his lazy eye settled the bill, and then slowly walked me to my car. Unsure what to do, I held my hand up in a high-five, and thanked him for dinner. Turning away, he simply said, “Gracias,” with a sweetness that I had yet to experience. As he disappeared, I realized that no one is good at blind dates. Not me, nor his lazy eye.

Suggested Number of Drinks:

43 comments:

Anonymous said...

'Kay, I love, Love, LOVE this one! I actually went, "Bah-hahahah!" I was on my 4th glass of Kendall Jackson zin, but no matter, the guffaw was genuine. Even though I never drank a Lazy Spaniard nor had a blind date with a guy with a lazy eye, I actually felt that I'd "been there, drank that, done him," thanks to your wonderful deep first person prose. Can't wait for the next hangover served up here.

Anonymous said...

Good on you. I never had the guts for a blind date myself, and thankfully my best mate had the good sense not to recommend anyone so sweaty!

Anonymous said...

Bless You! The only way I can survive another tragic blind date is to be blind drunk (ok maybe I'll wait a solid ten minutes after meeting my Lazy Spaniard before ordering a Lazy Spaniard).

Anonymous said...

Hmmm...Lazy Eye woulda cooled down with a drink called Ice Balls. Gotta love 'em and hate 'em those blind dates. But you have to do them, because you never know. Heck, I wound up marrying my first and only blind date!

Anonymous said...

your so sweet , sweat and all you were able to listen to the little he did have to say , eat your meal , and leave gracefully . On to the next one hopefully a keeper!Blind dateing takes b---s and a Lazy Spaniard or two.

Anonymous said...

Perfect !what does that mean , He's still breathing. Maybe Salima is saving the good one for her self . Fun story good drink next time I'll try to have cherrys & fresh pineapple on hand

Anonymous said...

I hope you kicked your friend Salima to the curb after setting you up with this lazy-eyed bastard....oops....I mean Spaniard!

Anonymous said...

sounds like a moody german to me

Anonymous said...

What did you order? Which Cuban restaurant?

Anonymous said...

Did he kiss you? Second base? Third? Home run? I jest, seriously, if this site has taught me anything its that you are a prude drunk, a rare commodity

Anonymous said...

Salima is a BITCH. Only a bitch sets u up with a man with a lazy eye....unless hes rich. All physical requirements go out the window when he's loaded...or is that just in LA?

Anonymous said...

Dear Nicole Terry,

Are you ever going to post an alcohol free drink for us AA members?

Best,

Friend of Bill

Anonymous said...

How many spaniards have u dated? Are they usually circumsized? I've only slept with two boring american boys...I need to have more sex

Anonymous said...

That last post is almost as embarassing as the one who wrote abouty crabs. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Anonymous said...

Hey Lisa, stop being so judgemental...oh and learn how to type...

PS - I hope you get crabs

Anonymous said...

Whats with all this crabs talk? Ladies they make a shampoo for it

Anonymous said...

My fave lazy eyed dude in the whole wide world was mr sammy davis jr. Anyone else have any celeb lazy eyed crushes?

Anonymous said...

Yo lazy
why your eye goin crazy
its kinda fazin
but gosh darn u amazin'

thats a little rap about lazy eyed folks. Its registered so dont steal it

Anonymous said...

henry, u r to rapping what bush is to politics....

Anonymous said...

does anyone wootie is?

Anonymous said...

i can't believe you think I have a lazy eye!

Anonymous said...

will you write a blog about getting hammered and watching project runway? Or is that off subject?

Anonymous said...

i am not crossed eyed but i sometimes look a little in pictures...will anyone ever marry me?

Anonymous said...

These comments are almost as funny as the story.

Anonymous said...

Salima = bitch

Post her number and I will tell her so.

Nicole Terry said...

Salima is lovely! I just think what we see romantically and they see professionally are often two very different things.

Nicole Terry said...

I don't know what the hell "wootie" is - but I do love Henry's lazy rap - and often get drunk watching Project Runway.

Anonymous said...

I was born in Lancaster California in 1983 and yes I was cross eyed. After suffering ridicule my whole damn life at 18 I had a surgery and well my life is a lot better now. But my point is have a little compassion. We all have short comings.

Helen
Hollywood, California

Anonymous said...

back on the blog : BLIND dating I've had a few some good some bad . Love this story and have been laughing at all your dates BLIND or not keep them coming also now I an getting all this new alcohol for my bar , thanks

Anonymous said...

Ooh another lucky escape! Great cocktail though, the thought of all that sweat kinda made me thirsty for more. Looking forward to the next installment....

Anonymous said...

In '08 I'm saying no to blind dates and yes cocktails...Here's to another year of making eyes at my loving pooch and reading your blog! I don't think Dr Phil would be very pleased with my choice...

Anonymous said...

I have the feeling that our need to “expand options in dating” is really our subconscious looking for new material / bar stories to tell.

Hollywoodgal said...

You are certainly a brave girl to have stuck it out! The only blind date I ever had I dashed & hid awayfrom from when I saw the guy and he hadn't seen me yet. Granted I was only 16, but I just could not do it!

Anonymous said...

Lazy??? It seemed pretty busy to me - busy checking out your rig! EWWWW!!! Love these stories! I need more!!! HAHA

Anonymous said...

Blind dates are a set up to feel bad about yourself. Either he doesnt like you and you think "huh? What's wrong with me?" or you don't like him and you feel judgemental and shallow....but hey that is a good and natural part of the dating process. My solution? Well I dont have one, thats why I am still single.

Anonymous said...

Muchos Gracias, made me smile....keep it up

Anonymous said...

Are these excerpts from something? Or articles pulled together? They are very relatable!!! At least to me...I like men and I like booze. Somehow I doubt I am alone on either front.

PS - I once dated a guy with a lazy eye and well...it sucked...I was always wondering what he was looking at and worrying that he noticed my perplexed look...what is he looking at??????

Anonymous said...

Jeeeeeeeeez...this is one of those where all you can say to yourself is AIM HIGH!

Anonymous said...

I love this story more than drinking itself...

Anonymous said...

Maybe they call it blind dating because the dating gods were blind drunk around this cruel concept...

Anonymous said...

Love this one! Maybe his english was bad and he didn't understand a word you were saying??

Anonymous said...

Dear Jesus,

Please be nice to Nicole Terry...she made me laugh after being dumped by Neal. She lives in LA somewhere, I'm sure she's listed if you want to call her or send her something.

Thanks,

Jennifer Salister
425 North Genesee Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90036

(In case you want to send me something too)

Anonymous said...

I have never been on a blind date. So I can live vicariously through you. Although it didn't seem to work out, so maybe never blind dating is a good thing